One of the first things a divorce attorney will tell you? “You need a custody journal.” I used to say it myself—right at the top of the consultation. Track every detail, I’d urge: late arrivals, missed homework, skipped veggies, bad bedtimes. The goal? Build a record. Translation: create evidence. A custody journal, as it’s often used, is nothing more than a running list of all the ways your co-parent is “wrong.”
Let me be the first to say: please don’t do this.
Unless you’re a unicorn parent (and I’ve yet to meet one), you’re probably guilty of those “infractions” once or twice a week yourself. Parenting is hard. Sometimes dinner is at the drive-thru. Sometimes bedtime gets bumped. It happens. And while you’re busy tracking your co-parent’s every move, you may miss what matters most—being present with your kids.
Worse? Your kids might find the journal. And, when they do, it sends a clear message: they’re not just children anymore—they’re evidence. I once worked with a girl who developed full-blown panic attacks on exchange days. She’d seen her mom’s calendar journal and knew that her dad was getting “marks” if he was late. Every tick of the clock sent her spiraling. That’s not co-parenting—that’s collateral damage.
Even more damaging is what custody journaling does to you. You can’t heal when you’re in surveillance mode. You can’t co-parent when you’re documenting your way through dinner. At Together You Part, we help parents shift from blame to collaboration. And when it comes to keeping a journal, that same shift applies.
Let’s flip the script.
What if your journal wasn’t about collecting “gotchas” but about creating connection?
Back in the ‘80s, when the only phones were landlines, I had a red spiral notebook I passed back and forth with my middle school crush during class changes. We filled it with notes, questions, and inside jokes—basically texting before texting existed. I thought of that notebook years later while helping two teenage parents co-parent their infant daughter. Communication was strained, trust was low, and everyone was scared. So, we brought out a fresh notebook and made some rules: No snark. No jabs. Just useful info. Feeding times. Nap patterns. How the baby was feeling. What worked. What didn’t.
It worked. Over time, the notebook built a bridge. Eventually, they started communicating more openly—because the notebook had modeled how to do it. It wasn’t about parenting perfectly; it was about staying aligned and moving forward, one entry at a time.
You could turn this notebook into a shared app and use technology to accomplish the same goal!
At Together You Part, we encourage “support tools” in the co-parenting mediation process. When done right, a co-parenting journal can help you stay organized, track important info for your children’s well-being, and foster better communication—all without fueling the fire of conflict. You can start with a basic spiral or explore creative options on Etsy or Amazon. The key is to use it as a support, not a scorecard.
